Funny Facebook Status Update Sayings

Funny Facebook Status Updates

Your status update can be a great place to post something funny. Use these funny status updates to get your friends laughing. Choose one that fits you and modify it to your taste. Be careful and use these at your own risk because not everyone has a sense of humor.

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"Why can't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts."
"I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately expressing my point of view."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving energy."
"My doctor told me to stop having dinners for four, unless there are three other people with me."
“I'm about to get started on procrastinating more when I get around to it”
“I'm trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop”
“I'm getting fatter by the minute”
“I'm living above my means”
“I'm investing in a low risk/high yield investment called the lottery”
“I'm not wasting all my time updating my Facebook status”
“Doing something more important than Facebook”
“Doing something I don’t want my boss to know about”
“I'm snooping through your profile like the stalker that I am”
“I'm trying to think of a reason to log back into Facebook”
“I'm still trying to figure out all the decimals in the calculation of Pie”
“I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 1,000,000,000,0000,000.”
“I'm trying to do the same thing I try to do every night… ‘Try to take over the world’”
“I'm still not laughing at how funny your status update was”
“I'm wishing I had more time to update my status more often”
"I'm getting older by the minute”
“I'm washing my superhero costume”
“Still waiting on the world to end like ‘those people’ said would happen”
“Wishing I was someone else, but not you”
“Wishing more of my Facebook friends were millionaires”
“Getting educated at one of America’s fine public learning institutions”
“Too uncreative to think of an original and clever Facebook status update”
“Picking out his cleanest dirty shirt to wear today”
“Turning his underwear inside out for the fourth time to avoid doing laundry for one more day”
“Not on vacation, so don’t even think about coming over and stealing my stuff”
“Unfriending you for being a Facebook stalker”
“Must have his/her own personal chauffeur because someone is driving me crazy”
“Not wasting time on Facebook like you”
“Wishing there were at least 30 hours per day to get everything done in time”
“Still trying to figure out if the chicken or the egg came first”
“Enjoying the meaty taste of tasty animals”
“Is probably eating a comfort food that will result in a guilty conscience at next weigh in”
“Wasting the companies time on the internet at work”
“Spending more to fuel my car than my body”
“Not doing anything productive”